Thursday, November 5, 2015

Struggling with Inner Demons

I've really struggled with this post. It affects so many people. I don't wanna step on toes. I don't wanna put anyone under the microscope. I don't wanna upset anyone. Finally, last night after much prayer and discussions, I decided to share at least a small part of my journey as I struggle with the Inner Demons of my soul.

It's been almost a year since this leg of the journey began in earnest. We had been unknowingly spiraling downward until there was a rock bottom - or at least a ledge that we landed on.

I got the dreaded phone call from the school. My son was in trouble - again. We had battled with this issue for two years. And I was blissfully unaware of just how deep the crevasse was. Completely blindsided by the depths we would need to crawl out of, inch by inch. My son, crushed and broken, uttered these simple words. "Mom. I think I need help. I think I'm addicted. I've tried. I can't stop. Please...."

He broke off and we both cried. That look of utter despair is never one I want to see on one of my children's faces ever again. We discussed options. We prayed together. I finally saw a ray of hope brighten his young face.

I've never been so proud of this young soul as I was that night. I knew he had character. I knew he had charisma. I knew he had compassion. But this issue... this addiction almost broke my soul apart, and his. He thought of himself as a failure. He thought of himself AS his addiction. He is NOT his addiction. Yes, it is a part of him. He, as a young teenager, admitted to a problem that most grown men will never allow themselves to admit is a problem. This young man, my son, is so much bigger than most grown men. This young man is a superhero.

He has stepped up and taken ownership for his problems, his addictions. He has willingly and happily attended the LDS Addiction Recovery Classes with me almost every week for a year.

As I prayed for guidance in how to handle this situation, I was prompted to send a text. "Call me when you get a minute. I need your help." Those simple words broke a dam within myself. I had asked for help and I received it. I received a list of LDSARCs in the area. None of which felt right. So we expanded our search. Overwhelmingly, Preston became our focus. Preston was where we needed to be.

I was able to rearrange my work schedule to accommodate the class. I was able to discuss options for my son with his coaches who wholeheartedly agreed that his mental and spiritual well being was so much more important than sports. So, one night each week, he is dismissed and we drive.

We talk, we laugh, we eat sandwiches, we sing along with the radio, we discuss future plans and goals, we learn about each other, we have grown so much closer. I LOVE my son! I'm so thankful for what this challenge has given me - and him. This challenge, this addiction, has brought me my son. It has brought me closer to Christ. It has given me so much MORE! More blessings than I could ever have hoped to receive. I'm posting a letter I wrote (in a separate blogpost) that has helped me with my recovery. I pray it will help others who may find themselves struggling. Hugs and Prayers Always & Forever.

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